Parents
How to help kids overcome challenges with the meta-problem
Kids complain. A lot.
That doesn’t always mean they want you to solve the problem that is bothering them.
Sometimes, like us adults, they just want a sympathetic ear and a warm hug.
Other times, they really are asking for help to solve a problem, but they can’t describe exactly what the problem is. That’s usually because they don’t know what they want, or because they see the cause of the problem as something they cannot control.
For example, sometimes your child might tell you “I’m crying because it’s raining outside”, when a little probing reveals the real issue is that they are bored, they want to play, and the rain is preventing them from doing so. While you can’t control the rain, you can solve the real problem by suggesting some interesting indoor games to play.
Figuring out your role in helping your children is a meta-problem (choice of which problem you want to solve, given many possible candidates) which many of us face daily. Realizing the problem is not what you thought it was can be hard, particularly in the moment.
The first step is to check whether your kid wants help or sympathy (they are both valid needs).
If they do want a solution, the next step is to figure out whether they told you the wrong version of the problem. You can start by asking "what are you trying to accomplish? What choices do you have?"
What is a “good” problem?
Fundamentally, the meta-problem is all about making sure the problem you set out to solve is as good as possible. How do we define good?
It helps you improve your goals. This is often the biggest gap with our kids - we assume we know what their goals are, when instead we should just ask.
There are choices you can make to improve those goals. If the problem is "I'm scared of the dark" you can think about solutions like reducing darkness, or reducing fear. Focusing on the options we have to achieve our goals lets us discuss directly what we're trying to accomplish, not just some arbitrary problem someone came up with.
A “good” problem also gives you the best balance between the effort it takes to solve it and the benefit. This is where the meta-problem really shines since we can talk about all the choices we have to improve our goals, and then compare those different choices. Each one "solves" a different problem, but they are alternative solutions to the same meta-problem.
Collaborate with your kids
The meta-problem framing is especially useful if your kids seem to be doing something that doesn't make sense. When you don't understand what someone wants, or you have different ideas of what their options are, in effect you’re solving different meta-problems. Taking a moment to check in and ask "I thought you wanted this one thing, but now I'm not so sure. What do you want?" can help get everyone on the same page.
If you have questions or suggestions about using the meta-problem to help teach your kids to be better problem solvers, click on "Contact" and send in your note!